585 results found for tag 's'
| ID | Setup | Punchline | Tags |
|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? | He didn't have the guts! | |
| 2 | What did the square say to the circle? | Have you been around long? | |
| 3 | What type of bees make milk? | Boobies! | |
| 4 | What do you call a cow with two legs? | Lean beef! | |
| 5 | What do you call a cow with no legs? | Ground beef! | |
| 8 | What do you call a dog with no legs? | Nothing, he's not gonna come anyway! | |
| 10 | How do you make a tissue dance? | You put a little boogie in it! | |
| 11 | Why did the golfer wear two pairs of shorts? | In case he got a hole in one! | |
| 12 | What insect has the best manners? | A ladybug! | |
| 13 | Where do countries keep their armies? | In their sleevies! | |
| 14 | What did the man say to the two owls? | "Nice hooters!" | |
| 15 | Two muffins are in the oven. One turns to the other and says, "Man it's hot in here." What did the other say? | "Holy shit! A talking muffin!" | |
| 17 | What did the melon say when her boyfriend said they should get married in Vegas? | "But honey, we canteloupe!" | |
| 18 | What did one snowman say to the other snowman? | "Do you smell carrots?" | |
| 19 | What did one casket say to the other casket? | "Is that you coffin?" | |
| 20 | Why did the banana go to the hospital? | Because he wasn't peeling well! | |
| 21 | Two silk worms were in a race; what was the result? | A tie! | |
| 22 | What did the termite say when he entered the saloon? | "Is the bar tender here?" | |
| 23 | What did the sheet say to the mattress? | "I've got you covered!" | |
| 24 | Why are movie stars so cool? | Because they have so many fans! | |
| 25 | Why do fluorescent lights always hum? | Because they don't know the words! | |
| 26 | Why did the house go to the hospital? | Because he had a window pane! | |
| 27 | Where do cows go on Saturday night? | To the moooooovies! | |
| 28 | Why was the algebra book sad? | Because he had a lot of problems! | |
| 29 | Why don't ducks fly upside down? | Because then they would quack up! | |
| 33 | Why don't cannibals eat comedians? | Because they taste funny. | |
| 34 | A man orders coffee in a restaurant. He takes a sip and spits it out, yelling, "This coffee tastes like mud!" | The waiter comes by and says, "Yes, sir. It's fresh ground." | |
| 35 | What do you call a sleepwalking nun? | A roamin' Catholic. | |
| 36 | Who came first: the chicken or the egg? | The one with the cigarette! | |
| 38 | Why did the tomato blush? | He saw the salad dressing! | |
| 39 | Why was the broom late? | Because he over swept! | |
| 40 | What did Delaware? | A New Jersey! | |
| 41 | What's the difference between a fish and a piano? | You can't tuna fish! | |
| 42 | Why aren't there any penguins in Britain? | Because they're afraid of Whales! | |
| 43 | What do you name a female snake? | Anna-conda! | |
| 44 | How do you turn a dishwasher into a snowplow? | Give her a shovel! | |
| 45 | Did you hear about the guy who worked at the camping store? | He was intents! | |
| 46 | How do you take a pig to the hospital? | By hambulance! | |
| 47 | Why did the baby strawberry cry? | Because his parents were in a jam! | |
| 48 | What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob? | "We need to get some support or people will think we're nuts!" | |
| 49 | What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over? | Dough nuts! | |
| 66 | Where did the pirate go to college? | Haaaarrrrrvard | |
| 69 | What does Coca Cola have in common with King Kong? | They both come in liters! | |
| 71 | What do you call bread made by a bison? | Buffaloaf! | |
| 72 | Why should you never date a tennis player? | Because love means nothing to them! | |
| 73 | What has 75 balls and screws old ladies? | Bingo! | |
| 74 | Why did the walrus go to the tupperware store? | He was looking for a tight seal! | |
| 76 | What do you call a chicken crossing the road? | Poultry in motion! | |
| 77 | Did you hear about the butcher who backed into his meat grinder? | Yeah he got a little behind in his work! | |
| 78 | Why was the rubber band gun confiscated during algebra class? | It was a weapon of math destruction! | |
| 79 | What did the sign at the drug rehab center read? | "KEEP OFF THE GRASS!" | |
| 80 | Did you hear about the midget fortune teller who escaped from prison? | She was a small medium at large! | |
| 81 | Why was the sand wet? | Because the sea weed! | |
| 82 | A pirate walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "What's with the steering wheel in your crotch?" | The pirate says, "Arrrr! It's driving me nuts!" | |
| 83 | What's black white black white black white? | A penguin rolling down the stairs! | |
| 85 | A mushroom walks into a bar and tries to order a beer. The bartender says, "Sorry we don't serve your kind here." | The mushroom says, "Why not? I'm a fun guy!" | |
| 86 | What's the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping tom? | A pickpocket snatches watches... | |
| 87 | What's the difference between a women's track team and a group of circus midgets? | The circus midgets are a bunch of cunning runts... | |
| 88 | What did the banana say to the vibrator? | "What are you shakin' for? She's gonna eat me!" | |
| 89 | What did one hanging hat say to the other hanging hat? | "You stay here. I'll go on a head!" | |
| 90 | Did you hear about the guy who survived both mustard gas and pepper spray? | He's now a seasoned veteran! | |
| 91 | Why couldn't the clown juggle? | He just didn't have the balls! | |
| 151 | Why can't lizards have sex? | They have ereptile dysfunction! | |
| 152 | What did the mermaid do last Saturday night? | She went to go sea a movie! | |
| 153 | What do termites eat for breakfast? | Oakmeal! | |
| 154 | What did the masseuse eat for dinner? | Spa-ghetti! | |
| 155 | What do you call a video of pedestrians? | Footage! | |
| 156 | What do you call a fish with no eye? | A fsh! | |
| 157 | Did you hear about the fly who went through a screen door? | He strained himself! | |
| 161 | What do you call cheese that isn't yours? | Nacho cheese! | |
| 162 | How do you kill a circus? | You go for the juggler! | |
| 163 | How do you make a hot dog stand? | You take away his chair! | |
| 165 | What did the attorney wear to work? | A law suit! | |
| 166 | What has two legs and bleeds a lot? | Half a cat! | |
| 167 | How is a gynecologist like a pizza boy? | They both get to smell it but don't get to eat it! | |
| 168 | How do you spot a blind guy at a nudist colony? | Well it isn't hard! | |
| 169 | Why doesn't a chicken wear pants? | Because his pecker is on his head! | |
| 170 | What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino? | El-if-I-no! | |
| 171 | What do you call James Bond in a bath? | Bubble Oh Seven! | |
| 172 | Why doesn't Santa have any children? | Because he only comes once a year and it's down a chimney! | |
| 173 | Why was the scarecrow awarded the Nobel Prize? | Because he was outstanding in his field! | |
| 174 | What washes up on tiny beaches? | Microwaves! | |
| 176 | What did the retarded pirate say? | "Q!!!" | |
| 177 | Why do gorillas have such big nostrils? | Because they have big fingers! | |
| 178 | What do you call a man with no arms and legs in the ocean? | Bob! | |
| 180 | What is the difference between Ann Coulter and Donald Trump? | Her dick works. | |
| 184 | How does a crazy person walk through the woods? | They take the psychopath! | |
| 188 | How do you catch a tame rabbit? | Tame way unique up on him! | |
| 189 | How do you catch a unique rabbit? | Unique up on him! | |
| 191 | What is the opposite of Christopher Reeves? | Christopher Walken! | |
| 192 | Did you hear about the man who cooled himself to absolute zero? | He's 0K now! | |
| 193 | Did you hear the one about the two peanuts? | One was assaulted! | |
| 194 | Did you hear about the thief who planned to steal 1000 from the bank? | It was a grand plan! | |
| 196 | Did you hear about the new broom engineered in the US? | It's sweeping the nation! | |
| 197 | What do you call the best unicorn in unicorn school? | An A-corn! | |
| 198 | Did you hear about the eye doctor on the Alaskan island? | Turned out he was an optical Aleutian. | |
| 203 | What's the difference between light and hard? | You can sleep with a light on. | |
| 205 | What time does Sean Connery go to Wimbledon? | Tennish. | |
| 206 | How does Bob Marley like his doughnuts? | With jam in! | |
| 209 | How does a crazy person walk through the woods? | They take the psychopath! | |
| 211 | What goes "zzub zzub zzub"? | A bee flying backwards! | |
| 216 | What do you call a Latino with a rubber toe? | Roberto! | |
| 217 | What do you call a snake who works for the government? | A civil serpent. | |
| 218 | Where do astronauts hang out? | At the spacebar! | |
| 220 | What do you call the bottom of a rotten banana? | The bananus! | |
| 221 | What is Tony Stark's favorite literary device? | Irony! | |
| 222 | How do you know when an Egyptian king is horny? | From all the Pharoah moans! | |
| 223 | "I hate tacos..." | ...said no Juan ever. | |
| 224 | What do tight pants and a cheap hotel have in common? | No ballroom! | |
| 226 | What kind of tea is sometimes hard to swallow? | Reality! | |
| 227 | What's the difference between a short Eskimo and a fat eunuch? | One's a frigid midget with a rigid digit, and the other is a massive vassal with a passive tassel! | |
| 228 | Did you hear the one about the sheet of paper? | It was tearable! | |
| 229 | What does every Tickle Me Elmo get before leaving the factory? | Two test tickles! | |
| 230 | What do you call Santa's elves? | Subordinate clauses! | |
| 231 | What does Batman put in his drink? | Just ice! | |
| 232 | What do you call a judge with no fingers? | Justice Thumbs! | |
| 233 | What kind of pants does Super Mario wear? | Denim denim denim! | |
| 236 | What's brown and rhymes with snoop? | Dr. Dre! | |
| 237 | Why did Mrs. Grape leave Mr. Grape? | She was tired of raisin' kids! | |
| 238 | Why did the banker quit his job? | He lost interest! | |
| 239 | What's so great about living in Switzerland? | Well the flag is a big plus! | |
| 240 | What's orange and sounds like a parrot? | A carrot! | |
| 241 | How do you catch a bra? | You set a booby trap! | |
| 242 | What did the grape say when stepped on? | Nothing it just gave a little wine! | |
| 243 | How do you turn a duck into a soul singer? | Put it in the microwave until its Bill Withers! | |
| 244 | Did you hear about the company making cardboard belts? | They are a waist of paper! | |
| 245 | What do you call a plastic sheep? | Lambinated! | |
| 246 | What did the pony say when he had a sore throat? | "Pardon me I'm just a little hoarse!" | |
| 247 | Where did the naughty pasta come from? | The spaghetto! | |
| 248 | What did Helen Keller say after being handed a cheese grater? | "This is the worst book I've ever read." | |
| 249 | Did you hear about the constipated mathematician? | He worked it out with a pencil! | |
| 251 | How does Moses make tea? | Hebrews it. | |
| 252 | Where do you get virgin wool from? | Ugly sheep! | |
| 253 | What do you call a potato wearing glasses? | A spectator! | |
| 254 | Why does Waldo wear stripes? | Because he doesn't want to be spotted! | |
| 255 | What did the tailpipe say to the muffler? | "I'm exhausted!" | |
| 256 | Where do ponies go when they aren't feeling well? | To the horsepital! | |
| 257 | Why did the horse see a psychologist? | He was unstable! | |
| 258 | Why couldn't Bach pay for his dinner? | Because he was Baroque! | |
| 259 | What did Sean Connery say when a book fell on his head? | "I have only my shelf to blame." | |
| 260 | What did people say when the Dry Erase Board was invented? | "That's remarkable!" | |
| 261 | What state has the smallest soft drinks? | Minisoda! | |
| 262 | What do you call an overpriced circumcision? | A rip off! | |
| 264 | How does NASA prepare for a spaceship launch? | They just planet! | |
| 265 | What did the seismologist say when he messed up? | "It's not my fault!" | |
| 266 | What is the best way to communicate with a fish? | Drop him a line! | |
| 267 | Why are fish so smart? | They live in schools! | |
| 268 | What does a shark like to eat with his peanut butter sandwiches? | Jellyfish! | |
| 269 | Why should you never trust an atom? | Because they make up everything! | |
| 270 | Where did the fisherman and the mermaid meet? | On line! | |
| 271 | Why did Snoop Dogg buy a frying pan? | Fo' sizzle. | |
| 272 | What did Dr. Dre say when 50 Cent gave him a sweater? | "Gee you knit?!" | |
| 273 | Why did Snoop Dogg have an umbrella? | Fo' drizzle. | |
| 274 | What does Snoop Dogg use to clean his white laundry? | Ble-atch! | |
| 275 | What is the internal temperature of a taun taun? | Luke warm. | |
| 276 | What do you get when you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic? | Halfway! | |
| 277 | What kind of snake lives on a car? | Windshield Vipers! | |
| 278 | Why does Waldo wear stripes? | Because he doesn't want to be spotted! | |
| 279 | What do you call an alligator with a vest? | An investigator! | |
| 280 | What side of a turkey has the most feathers? | The outside! | |
| 281 | Where did the clownfish go when it needed an operation? | To the sturgeon! | |
| 282 | Where did the mistletoe go to become rich and famous? | Hollywood! | |
| 283 | Why did the man get fired from the pasta factory? | He made a fusilli mistakes! | |
| 284 | Why is the economy of Ireland so good? | Because the capital is always Dublin! | |
| 286 | How do you find Will Smith in the snow? | Look for fresh prints! | |
| 287 | How much does a hipster weigh? | An instagram! | |
| 288 | What font does alphabet soup use? | Times New Ramen! | |
| 290 | What is really bad at baseball but really good at parties? | A pitcher full of margaritas! | |
| 291 | Where do killer whales go on the weekend? | To the Orcastra! | |
| 292 | Why should you never trust graphs? | Because they're always plotting something! | |
| 293 | What do golden cats say? | MeAu! | |
| 294 | What did the shy pebble wish for? | To be a little boulder! | |
| 295 | What do you call a bald porcupine? | Pointless! | |
| 296 | Why should you date a zombie? | Because they're the only ones you can be sure want you for your brains! | |
| 297 | Did you hear about the orange who slept with a dirty lemon? | He got lemonaids! | |
| 298 | Why do the Irish put only 239 beans in their soup? | Because one more would be too farty! | |
| 303 | Why can't Ray Charles see his friends? | Because he's married! | |
| 304 | What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants? | One's a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean! | |
| 305 | Did you hear about the two guys who stole a calendar? | They each got six months! | |
| 307 | What's a hillbilly's favorite thing to do on Halloween? | Pumpkin. | |
| 308 | Why can't you hear a pterodactyl using the bathroom? | Because the P is silent! | |
| 309 | Did you hear about the Latin train killer? | He had locomotives! | |
| 313 | Have you been to the zoo that only has a single dog? | It's a Shih Tzu. | |
| 315 | Why did Snoop Dogg have an umbrella? | In case of a Lil' Wayne! | |
| 316 | Why do seagulls always stay out at sea? | Because if they were in the bay they'd be called bagels! | |
| 320 | Why did the grocery store delivery boy get fired? | Because he was driving people bananas! | |
| 321 | What did the German physicist use to drink his beer? | Ein stein! | |
| 322 | Why did the bullet stay home? | Because he was fired! | |
| 323 | What kind of underwear do reporters wear? | News briefs! | |
| 324 | Why did the chicken eject the cassette tape? | To get to the other side! | |
| 325 | What do you get when you put root beer in a square glass? | Beer. | |
| 326 | What's a physicist's favorite meal? | Fission chips! | |
| 327 | Why did Karl Marx dislike Earl Gray tea? | Because all proper tea is theft! | |
| 328 | How do you kill the mailman? | You de-liver him! | |
| 329 | What's better than roses on your piano? | Tulips on your organ! | |
| 330 | What is a feminist's favorite fruit? | Mango! | |
| 331 | What do you call a French man in sandals? | Philippe-floppe! | |
| 332 | Why are snakes measured in inches? | Because they don't have any feet! | |
| 334 | What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver? | A bad golfer goes *WHACK*, "Shit!" and a bad skydiver goes "Shit!", *WHACK*! | |
| 336 | What do you call a bear without an ear? | A "B"! | |
| 339 | What does a baker wear on his feet? | Loafers! | |
| 340 | How many ears does Spock have? | 3: The left ear, the right ear, and the Final Front-ear! | |
| 341 | What's the difference between a Scotsman and the Rolling Stones? | The Rolling Stones say, "Hey, you, get offa my butt!" and a Scotsman says, "Hey, McButt, get offa my ewe!" | |
| 343 | How do you cut a small pizza? | With Little Caesars! | |
| 344 | How do you unlock a monestary door? | With a monk key! | |
| 345 | Why did the spammer go to jail? | He got CAPTCHAd! | |
| 346 | Why didn't the sun go to college? | He already had too many degrees! | |
| 347 | How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? | Ten tickles! | |
| 348 | What does every pirate hate? | A small chest with no booty! | |
| 350 | What did one tectonic plate say when it bumped into the other? | "Sorry, my fault!" | |
| 351 | Why is Jesus really bad at crossword puzzles? | He always gets stuck on 2 across! | |
| 352 | What did the naughty soccer announcer get for Christmas? | COOOOOAAAAAALLLL!!!! | |
| 353 | What do you call a fast zombie? | A zoombie! | |
| 354 | Why can't your nose be 12 inches? | Because then it would be a foot! | |
| 355 | Why does the NSA hate igloos? | Because they are snow dens! | |
| 357 | Why was the Russian wasp interrogated by the CIA? | Because he was a cagey bee agent! | |
| 358 | What did the NSA agent say on his first date? | I'm gonna wiretap that ass! | |
| 359 | What did the fruit get when he enlisted? | A rasp-beret! | |
| 360 | Why was Princess Leia's dating life so miserable? | Because she was looking for love in Alderaan places! | |
| 361 | What do you call a horny unicorn? | A unicorn! | |
| 362 | What does American coffee and having sex in a canoe have in common? | It's fucking close to water! | |
| 363 | How do you know when your chicken has gone bad? | It tastes fowl! | |
| 365 | How did the hippie count his many wives? | He counted, "One Missus Hippie, two Missus Hippie, three Missus Hippie..." | |
| 366 | How do you get four old ladies to yell "SHIT!"? | Get a fifth old lady to yell "BINGO!" | |
| 367 | Why does nobody want to play with the dataset {1, 1, 1, 3, 4}? | Because it's 2 mean! | |
| 368 | How do snails fight to the death? | They slug it out! | |
| 369 | How do statisticians like their steak? | Median rare | |
| 370 | Did you hear about the guy who overdosed on Viagra? | They couldn't close the coffin! | |
| 371 | What kind of doctor is always on call? | An oncologist! | |
| 372 | What do radiation specialists do for fun? | X-ray-ted activities! | |
| 373 | What comes between fear and sex? | Fünf! | |
| 374 | What's Lil' John's favorite vegetable? | YEEAAAMS! | |
| 376 | Why did the computer crash? | It had a bad driver! | |
| 377 | What did the clock do when it was hungry? | It went back 4 seconds! | |
| 378 | What does an upside down cow say? | Woo! | |
| 380 | How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb? | Two: one to screw it all the way in and another to give it a surprising twist at the end! | |
| 381 | What's the difference between two dicks and a joke? | You don't look like you could take a joke! | |
| 382 | What is a pornstar's favorite building material? | Sement! | |
| 383 | What do you call a nun in a wheelchair? | Virgin mobile! | |
| 384 | What's the difference between Will Smith and Scotland? | Independence Day! | |
| 385 | How do you say "sup, dawg?" in Japanese? | Konichihuahua! | |
| 387 | How do you get to Matthew McConaughey's house? | You just go alright alright alright! | |
| 388 | Did you hear about the lady who thought the sun disappeared? | She stayed up all night looking for it, then it dawned on her! | |
| 389 | Why did the baby pepper go inside? | Because he was a little chili! | |
| 390 | How much did Santa's sleigh cost? | Nothing; it's on the house! | |
| 391 | What do you call a porcelain knight? | Sir Amic | |
| 392 | How much does a truck full of bones weigh? | A skele-ton! | |
| 393 | What is 6.9? | A beautiful thing ruined by a period! | |
| 395 | What do you call 50 female pigs and 50 male deer? | 100 sows and bucks! | |
| 396 | What's a Christian's favorite chord? | G sus! | |
| 397 | What's a Catholic priest's favorite chord? | A minor! | |
| 399 | Why does Santa eggs benedict from a hubcap? | Because there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise! | |
| 400 | How does Darth Vader know what you got for Christmas? | He has felt your presents! | |
| 401 | Why couldn't the DJ fish? | He kept dropping the bass! | |
| 402 | What do you call a cat that eats lemons? | A sour puss. | |
| 403 | Why aren't whales allowed in strip clubs? | Because they tend to humpback! | |
| 405 | What do you call a really fat Latino singer? | El Ton John | |
| 406 | Why did Pavlov have such soft hair? | Classic conditioning! | |
| 407 | Why did the French chef kill himself? | He lost the huile d'olive! | |
| 408 | Where do dogs go when they lose their tail? | To the retail store! | |
| 411 | Why doesn't Magneto wear purple anymore? | Because the days of fuchsia passed! | |
| 412 | Why did Sherlock cross the road? | To see Watson the other side! | |
| 413 | Why didn't Thor get any sleep last night? | He was up all night to get Loki! | |
| 414 | What did the mama cow say to the baby cow? | It's pasture bedtime! | |
| 415 | If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? | Pilgrims! | |
| 416 | What do you call Iron Man without his suit? | Stark naked! | |
| 417 | What's it called when Iron Man does a cartwheel? | A ferrous wheel! | |
| 418 | What's the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman? | One's a superhero, the other is a command! | |
| 419 | What do Jedi sheep say? | Dagobaaaaah! | |
| 420 | What do you call a lonely Kleenex? | A missue! | |
| 421 | Why did the cowboy buy a corgi? | Because he wanted to get a long little doggie! | |
| 422 | Why is dirt so expensive? | It has sedimental value! | |
| 423 | What kind of weed do lizards smoke? | Mariguana! | |
| 424 | What do a pregnant woman, burnt pizza, and frozen beer have in common? | A man who didn't take it out in time! | |
| 425 | Why can't two elephants go swimming? | They only have one pair of trunks! | |
| 426 | How does Stephen Hawking refresh after a long day? | F5! | |
| 427 | What kind of wine do horses drink? | Chardonneigh! | |
| 429 | What do you call an artist with a brown finger? | Picassole! | |
| 430 | What gets longer when pulled, inserts neatly into a hole, and works best when jerked? | A seatbelt! | |
| 431 | What's the difference between a nail stylist and a hair stylist? | One does hand jobs, the other does blow jobs! | |
| 432 | What's the average math teacher like? | Mean! | |
| 433 | What two letters can spell the word "candy?" | C and Y! | |
| 435 | How did the astronaut break up with his girlfriend? | "I need space." | |
| 436 | What do you call a colleague who is also a dairy farmer? | A coworker! | |
| 437 | What does Cinderella do when she gets to the ball? | Gag! | |
| 438 | Why are there no transvestites in space? | Because there's no drag! | |
| 440 | What did the left hand say to the right hand? | You're right! | |
| 441 | How does Vladimir Putin like his Thanksgiving Turkey? | Nuked! | |
| 442 | Why are computers so smart? | Because they listen to their motherboards! | |
| 443 | Did you hear about the pregnant bedbug? | She gave birth in the spring! | |
| 444 | How do you pay 5 cents for a concert? | Go see 50 Cent and ask for Nickelback! | |
| 445 | What do you call a camel with no humps? | Humphrey! | |
| 446 | What rock band has four members but doesn't play music? | Mt. Rushmore! | |
| 447 | What happened to Watson after Sherlock died? | He became Holmesless! | |
| 448 | What did Mike Tyson say to Vincent van Gogh? | "You gonna eat that?" | |
| 449 | What do you call a reptillian gambler? | The Lizard of Odds! | |
| 450 | What has 100 legs but can't walk? | 50 pairs of pants! | |
| 451 | What kind of pajamas does King Arthur wear? | A knight gown! | |
| 452 | Why did the Mexican take Xanax? | Because of hispanic attacks! | |
| 453 | What's brown and sounds like a bell? | DUNG! | |
| 454 | Why is the sky so unhappy? | It has the blues! | |
| 455 | What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? | A hippo is really heavy, but a Zippo is a little lighter! | |
| 456 | What did one eye say to the other eye? | "Between you and me, something smells!" | |
| 457 | What is the moon's favorite gum? | Orbit! | |
| 458 | Where do lions do their shopping? | At the maul! | |
| 459 | How does the moon cut his hair? | Eclipse it! | |
| 461 | What's the difference between America and a flash drive? | One is USA, the other is USB! | |
| 462 | What did one plate say to the other plate? | Dinner's on me! | |
| 463 | What did the triangle say to the circle? | "You're pointless!" | |
| 464 | How do billboards talk? | Sign lanugage! | |
| 465 | What word is always spelled wrong in the dictionary? | "Wrong." | |
| 466 | What's the difference between bird flu and swine flu? | If you have bird flu, you need tweetment, but if you have swine flu, you need oinkment! | |
| 468 | Where do kittens go on field trips? | To the meowseum! | |
| 469 | What do ducks smoke? | Quack! | |
| 470 | What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? | Anyone can roast beef, but nobody can pee soup! | |
| 471 | Why did the pirate go to law school? | To pass the barrrr! | |
| 472 | Why do scientists prefer nitrates? | They're cheaper than day rates! | |
| 473 | What did the judge say when the skunk entered the courtroom? | "Odor in the court!" | |
| 475 | What kind of room has no walls? | A mushroom! | |
| 476 | Why do space rocks taste better than Earth rocks? | Because they are a little meteor! | |
| 477 | What does King Arthur wear to bed? | A knight gown! | |
| 478 | What do you call someone who only believes in 12.5% of the Bible? | An eighth-theist! | |
| 479 | Why did the gay whale choke? | Because he swallowed a lot of seamen! | |
| 480 | Why was the avocado stressed out? | He 'vacado 'bout a big test! | |
| 481 | What do you call a lazy kangaroo? | A pouch potato! | |
| 483 | What do you call a tree with all its branches cut off? | An ampu-tree! | |
| 484 | Why shouldn't you eat a French fish? | It's poisson! | |
| 485 | How are pornstars paid? | Income. | |
| 486 | Why don't robots like humans? | Because we keep pushing their buttons. | |
| 487 | A sheep, a drum, and a snake fall off of a cliff... | Bah dum tss! | |
| 488 | How do you keep a space ship tied down? | With an astro knot! | |
| 489 | Where do rabbits eat breakfast? | IHOP! | |
| 490 | What do you call a tidy philosopher? | Neatzche! | |
| 491 | What do you call a pig who lost his voice? | Disgruntled! | |
| 502 | Why are other vegetables afraid of celery? | Because it stalks! | |
| 503 | What do you call a British assassin? | An arsearsein! | |
| 504 | Where did Noah keep the bees? | In the Ark hives! | |
| 505 | What do you get when you put an iPhone in a blender? | Apple juice! | |
| 507 | Why did the twinkie go to the dentist? | He lost his filling! | |
| 508 | How do you know if an envelope is gay? | If it comes in the mail! | |
| 509 | What do you call a bear in the rain? | A drizzly bear! | |
| 510 | What do you call cheese by itself? | Prov-alone! | |
| 511 | Why did the coffee file a police report? | It got mugged! | |
| 512 | Why was the big cat disqualified from the race? | Because it was a cheetah! | |
| 513 | What did the mountain climber name his son? | Cliff! | |
| 514 | What do athletes do with a camera? | Take olympics! | |
| 515 | What kind of car does Jesus drive? | A Christler! | |
| 516 | What kind of sex do chemists like? | Bondage! | |
| 518 | Did you hear about the guy who was caught pickpocketing dwarves? | How could anyone stoop so low! | |
| 520 | What do you get from a pampered cow? | Spoiled milk! | |
| 521 | What do you call a T-rex who sells guns? | A small arms dealer! | |
| 522 | What do you call a Communist sniper? | A Marxman! | |
| 524 | What did the ghost say to the bee? | "Boo, bee!" | |
| 525 | Why don't ambassadors ever get sick? | They have diplomatic immunity! | |
| 526 | What should you do if you get tired of drawing circles? | Try angles! | |
| 527 | What do you call a singing aardvark? | A bardvark! | |
| 528 | What do you call a protective aardvark? | A guardvark! | |
| 529 | What do you call an aardvark made of steel? | A hardvark! | |
| 530 | What do you call a fat aardvark? | A lardvark! | |
| 531 | What do you call a stupid aardvark? | A tardvark! | |
| 532 | What do you call a 3-foot long aardvark? | A yardvark! | |
| 533 | What do you call an aardvark who plays poker? | A cardvark! | |
| 534 | Have you heard about the magician who was arrested at the candy store? | He had a few Twix up his sleeve! | |
| 535 | What do you call someone who studies albino dinosaurs? | A pale-leontologist! | |
| 536 | What bird can lift the most? | A crane! | |
| 537 | Why is Peter Pan always flying? | He Neverlands! | |
| 538 | Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory? | De brie was everywhere! | |
| 539 | Did you hear about the guy who could cut wood just by looking at it? | He saw it with his own eyes. | |
| 540 | How does dinner smell? | Through its nose! | |
| 541 | What's Whitney Houston's favorite type of coordination? | Hand eeeeeyeeeeee! | |
| 542 | What do you get when you divide poop into three pieces? | Turds! | |
| 543 | How many sides does a circle have? | Two: the outside and the inside! | |
| 544 | What did Barack Obama say when he dropped his shell at the beach? | "Oh no! Michelle!" | |
| 545 | What do two pharoahs who fart at the same time have? | A toot in common! | |
| 546 | How do locomotives know where to go? | They go through lots of training! | |
| 547 | What do you call a procrastinating woodpecker? | A wouldpecker! | |
| 548 | What's the fastest cookie in the world? | S'cone! | |
| 549 | What's it called when a cow saves your life? | Bovine intervention! | |
| 550 | How did Juliet remain at a constant pH and body temperature? | Romeostasis! | |
| 551 | What did the mastermind say to the cheese dip? | "K, so here's the plan..." | |
| 552 | What are the trees feeling now that it's Spring? | Releaved! | |
| 553 | What was the magical owl named? | Hoo-dini! | |
| 554 | Why are the guards around Big Ben always so tired? | Because they're working around the clock! | |
| 555 | How do doctors decide who should get liposuction first? | They use a weightlist! | |
| 556 | What's the only drink size allowed in North Korea? | Supreme Liter! | |
| 557 | What do you call children born in a whorehouse? | Brothel sprouts! | |
| 558 | How does a robot handle a one night stand? | He nuts and bolts! | |
| 559 | What did the baker say when his son stole his dough? | "Hey! I kneaded that!" | |
| 560 | How do farmers party? | They turnip the beet! | |
| 561 | Why is Bruce Wayne so good at baseball? | Because he is the Batman! | |
| 562 | What's the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi? | People in Dubai don't like the Flintstones, but people in Abu Dhabi doooooo! | |
| 564 | What do bees use to order food online? | Buzzfeed! | |
| 565 | What's the least spoken language in the world? | Sign language. | |
| 566 | Why can't anyone find the body of Genghis Khan? | Because Himalayan somewhere secret! | |
| 567 | What's Irish and sits outside all day? | Patty O'Furniture! | |
| 569 | Why do pirates like arctic forests? | Because that's where they shiver their timbers! | |
| 570 | How does a waiter learn to carry so much food? | By taking lots of tray-ning! | |
| 571 | What do you call a dishonest rice dish? | A jambaliar! | |
| 572 | Why don't Ewoks yell inside? | Because they have Endor voices! | |
| 573 | What do you call the best Nazi sprinter? | The fasctist! | |
| 574 | How do you comfort a grammar buff? | "Their, there, they're..." | |
| 575 | What's a martial artist's favorite beverage? | Kara-tea! | |
| 577 | Two ants were crawling up Prince Charming's legs. | One turned to the other and said, "Meet you at the Royal Ball tonight!" | |
| 578 | Why does the Finnish navy have bar codes on the side of their ships? | So they can Scandanavian. | |
| 579 | What's a horse's favorite condiment? | Mayoneighhhs! | |
| 580 | Why was Noah the best businessman in the Bible? | He floated his stock while everyone else was being liquidated! | |
| 581 | Vegans think butchers are gross... | ...but people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer! | |
| 582 | Have you ever played quiet tennis? | It's like regular tennis, but without the racket! | |
| 583 | What kind of exercise do lazy people do? | Diddly squats! | |
| 585 | What was Hitler's least favorite brand of gum? | Jews-y Fruit! | |
| 586 | What do you call a caveman who wanders around aimlessly? | A meanderthal! | |
| 587 | What do you call a stolen Tesla? | An Edison! | |
| 588 | What sport can't you do while sleeping? | Awakeboarding! | |
| 589 | Where do robots go for fun? | The circuits! | |
| 590 | How is herpes different from mono? | You get mono when you snatch a kiss... | |
| 591 | How is a counterfeit dollar bill different from a skinny prostitute? | One's a phony buck... | |
| 592 | How is a marine biologist different from a golden retriever? | The marine biologist tags a whale... | |
| 593 | How is the Panama Canal different from Sarah Palin on a merry-go-round? | The Panama Canal is a busy ditch... | |
| 594 | How is a nun different from a lady in a bath? | One is a soul full of hope... | |
| 595 | How is a gold fish different from a mountain goat? | A gold fish mucks around the fountain... | |
| 596 | How is an eplipetic oyster farmer different from a hooker with dysentery? | One shucks between fits... | |
| 597 | How is a bunch of nude showgirls different from a daredevil? | One puts on a display of cunning stunts... | |
| 598 | What's it called when a chameleon can't change its colors anymore? | A reptile dysfunction! | |
| 599 | Why doesn't Popeye's dick rust? | Because he dips it in Olive Oyl! | |
| 600 | What did the bridge say to the locomotive? | "Truss me!" | |
| 601 | What does Homer Simpson use to make bread? | D'oh! | |
| 602 | How do you sexually harass a classical music fan? | You grab em by Debussy! | |
| 603 | What is it called when two salmon fight? | Fishticuffs! | |
| 604 | What typeface do you use in a lawless town? | Sans Sheriff | |
| 605 | Why doesn't Jesus trust mankind? | He's afraid he'll get double crossed! | |
| 606 | Why should you never date a dermatologist? | Their care for you is only skin deep! | |
| 607 | Why do cows have hooves instead of feet? | Because they lactose! | |
| 609 | What's a dinosaur's least favorite reindeer? | Comet! | |
| 611 | Why is the army so strict about uniforms? | To minimize casual tees! | |
| 612 | What happens if someone steals uranium? | It becomes theiranium! | |
| 613 | Why did the old lady fall in the well? | Because she didn't see that well. | |
| 614 | Why do SCUBA divers fall backwards off the boat? | Because if they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat! | |
| 615 | Did you hear about the pregnant bedbug? | She's going to have her baby in the spring! | |
| 617 | Why are most mummies never identified? | It's due to encryption! | |
| 618 | Why must you wash you clothes in Tide? | Because it's too cold to wash them out tide! | |
| 619 | What kind of pasta dish is served at frat houses? | Swaghetti Brolonaise! | |
| 620 | Why did the carpenter have bad teeth? | Because he kept biting his nails! | |
| 621 | What's a trashman's favorite holiday? | HAULER-ween! | |
| 624 | What do you call a magician who gets lost easily? | A wand-erer! | |
| 625 | Why do you need a GPA of 3.0 or better to make honey? | You can't produce honey without the Bs! | |
| 626 | What animal is most likely to be a prostitute? | A whorse! | |
| 627 | What do plumber's children play with? | Toylets! | |
| 628 | Why was the band teacher so controversial? | He made his students read band books! | |
| 629 | What is a clumsy bee called? | A bumblebee! | |
| 630 | Why is a room full of married people empty? | Because there isn't a single person in it! | |
| 631 | Where do ghosts live? | At the dead end! | |
| 632 | Why does Boo Boo never wear shoes? | He prefers to go bearfoot! | |
| 633 | An olympic athlete was asked, "Are you a pole vaulter?" | He replied, "No, I'm Ukrainian!" | |
| 634 | What do you call it when Batman skips church? | Christian Bale | |
| 637 | Did you hear that Sting was kidnapped? | The Police have no lead! | |
| 639 | What do you call a messy crustacean? | A slobster! | |
| 640 | What is a giraffe's favorite fruit? | Neck-tarines! | |
| 641 | What is Pac-man's favorite kitchen utensil? | A wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok... | |
| 648 | What do you call a little Mexican? | A paragraph. He's too short to be an essay! | |
| 649 | Why can't the Buddha vacuum under his sofa? | He has no attachments! | |
| 650 | What did the police officer say to the cow? | "Nothing to see here; moove along!" | |
| 651 | How does a paraplegic cow get around? | With a veal chair! | |
| 652 | What do you do with a cute corpse? | Perform and awwtopsy! | |
| 653 | Why can't you tickle a sailor? | Because they're nautical-ish! | |
| 654 | Why did Humpty Dumpty love autumn? | Because Humpty Dumpty had a great fall! | |
| 655 | How angry was Hitler? | He was fuhrerious! | |
| 656 | What noise does Stalin make when he drinks? | "Gulag gulag gulag" | |
| 658 | What do Hitler and teenage girls have in common? | They both use chemicals to remove the polish! | |
| 659 | What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon account? | Prime mates! | |
| 660 | How did Jesus get into such good shape? | Crossfit! | |
| 661 | Why did dinosaurs pay for Amazon shipping? | Because they live in the land before Prime! | |
| 662 | How does Mario talk with the dead? | With a Luigi board! | |
| 663 | What do you call a smiling Roman with a hair in his teeth? | Gladiator! | |
| 664 | What's a tomb that holds three bodies called? | A threemb! | |
| 665 | Where do cats go when they die? | Purrgatory! | |
| 667 | What do you get when you drop a piano down a mineshaft? | A flat minor! | |
| 668 | What do you get when you drop a piano on a military base? | A flat major! | |
| 669 | What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo? | One weighs a ton, the other is a little lighter! | |
| 670 | Where do reindeer live in France? | Rue Dolph! | |
| 671 | What's Romeo and Juliet's least favorite fruit? | Cantaloupe! | |
| 672 | Why are astronauts always so calm? | There's no pressure in space! | |
| 673 | What happened when 19 and 20 got into a fight? | 21! | |
| 674 | What does a turkey's cell phone sound like? | "Wing wing! Wing wing!" | |
| 675 | Why do baby ducks walk softly? | Because baby ducks can't walk hardly! | |
| 676 | What do you call an unshaven British spy? | Stubble-oh-seven! | |
| 677 | What do you call two guys who hang out by the window? | Kurt and Rod! | |
| 678 | What's a policeman's favorite gaming console? | WII U WII U WII U WII U WII U WII U | |
| 680 | When are plants awake? | At tree AM! | |
| 681 | Did you hear about the guy who didn't use spreadsheets for fourty days and fourty nights? | He said it was Excel Lent! | |
| 682 | What do you call a twitching cow? | Beef jerky! | |
| 684 | What's Hitler's least favorite brand of gum? | Jews-y Fruit! | |
| 686 | Do you know anyone who can't spell "armageddon?" | It's not as if it's the end of the world! | |
| 694 | What do you call a snake that's exactly 3.14 feet long? | A πthon! | |
| 695 | Why did the tiny pepper put on a sweater? | Because she was a little chilli! | |
| 696 | Did you hear about the cannibalistic lion? | Eventually he had to swallow his pride! | |
| 697 | What's the difference between a human and a bullet? | Humans miss John Lennon! | |
| 698 | What did the Italian say after eating a pizza topped with eel? | "That's a moray!" | |
| 699 | Why did Houdini use trap doors in every act he performed one year? | It was a stage he was going through! | |
| 700 | Why shouldn't you run with bagpipes? | You could put an aye out, or even get kilt! | |
| 701 | Why was the blonde snorting Sweet 'n Low? | She thought it was diet coke! | |
| 702 | What do slutty horses wear on their hooves? | Whoreshoes! | |
| 703 | What kind of teas have the most milk? | Tit-teas! | |
| 707 | Why did the triangle player quit the Jamaican rock band? | It was just one ting after another! | |
| 708 | What happens when you mix anti-depressants and Viagra? | When you cum, the glass is half full. | |
| 709 | How does a lady vampire flirt? | She bats her eyes! | |
| 710 | Who was the oldest sheriff in the old West? | Wyatt AARP! | |
| 711 | What do you call a cow masturbating in a field? | Beef stroganoff. | |
| 713 | Have you heard the news recently? | It's really dePRESSing! | |
| 714 | What's Gordon Ramsay's favorite Disney film? | IT'S FUCKING FROZEN! | |
| 715 | What do you call mud with psychiatric problems? | Clayzy! | |
| 716 | What's small, red, and has to whisper? | A hoarse radish! | |
| 717 | What do you call a vegetable that’s out of style? | A has-bean. | |
| 718 | What did the Amish girl do to get excommunicated? | 2 Mennonite! | |
| 719 | Why couldn't the Mexican archer shoot his bow? | He didn't habanero! | |
| 720 | What do you call a wild dog who teaches slang? | A lingo dingo! | |
| 721 | What was Hitler’s favorite way to tie his shoes? | In little Nazis! | |
| 722 | Why did Ariel get new seashells? | Because she outgrew her B-Shells! | |
| 723 | What do you call a statue with a lightsaber? | Mannequin Skywalker! | |
| 724 | How do you make a waterbed more bouncy? | Spring water! | |
| 725 | What do you call dental X-rays? | Tooth pics! | |
| 730 | How do you comfort a skeleton? | "It's going tibialright!" | |
| 731 | How did the Eskimo fix his house? | Igloo-ed it back together! | |
| 733 | Why don't people get up early in Athens? | Because Dawn is tough on Greece! | |
| 734 | What do you call a Japanese cover band playing 70s music? | The Mitsubeegees! | |
| 735 | Why is dark spelled with a "K" and not a "C"? | Because you can't "C" in the dark! | |
| 736 | What do you call a wild dog that teaches you about slang? | The Lingo Dingo! | |
| 737 | How does a hamburger introduce his girlfriend? | "Meet Patty!" | |
| 738 | What do you call four Latinos in quicksand? | Quatro cinco! | |
| 739 | Why can't Mexicans cross the border in groups of three? | Because the signs all say "NO TRES-PASSING"! | |
| 740 | What do people who argue about arithmetic have in common with horny people with lisps? | They are both math debaters! | |
| 741 | What's an optimistic vampire's favorite drink? | B Positive! | |
| 742 | What do you get when you cross a pirate and a pedophile? | Arrrgghh Kelly! | |
| 743 | Why are Saturday and Sunday the strongest? | Because the rest are weekdays! | |
| 744 | What's the rudest type of elf? | A Gofuckyours Elf! | |
| 745 | What do you call a bulletproof Irishman? | Rick O'Shea! | |
| 746 | How do you keep a gentleman away? | Use detergent! | |
| 747 | Why do the French like to eat snails? | They can't stand fast food! | |
| 748 | Why haven't aliens visited our solar system yet? | We only have one-star reviews! | |
| 750 | Exactly how excited was Wendy to get to Neverland? | She was so excited that she nearly Peter Pans! | |
| 751 | Why did Karl Marx only write in lowercase letters? | Because he hated capitalism! | |
| 752 | What is a mathematician's favorite kind of boob? | Quantitties! | |
| 753 | How did Thor lose his lightning powers? | His father grounded him! | |
| 754 | How was Rome divided? | With a pair of Caesars! | |
| 755 | What should you do if you see a spaceman? | Park your car, man! | |
| 756 | What should you do if you see a fireman? | Put it out, man! | |
| 757 | What should you do if you see a postman? | Walk around it, man! | |
| 759 | Where do cats go when they die? | Purrgatory! | |
| 760 | ¿A dónde van los gatos cuando mueren? | Purgatorio! | |
| 761 | Para onde vão os gatos quando morrem? | Para o purgatorio! | |
| 764 | Do you know why Bill Gates wasn't thrown out of the Garden of Eden? | Cause he doesn't like Apples! | |
| 765 | Do you know why Steve Jobs' house is so hot? | It doesn't have Windows! | |
| 766 | How do mountains hear? | With mountaineers! | |
| 767 | How do you tame wild rice? | With a really tiny saddle! | |
| 768 | What do you call a car covered in leaves? | An autumobile! | |
| 772 | Why did the iPad go to the dentist? | Because it had Bluetooth! | |
| 773 | What do you call someone who takes care of chickens? | Chicken tenders! | |
| 775 | How often do your friends from the round table visit you? | Always! They come a lot! | |
| 776 | How do you easily differentiate South Korea from North Korea? | Comunists have no Seoul! | |
| 777 | What's it called when a hillbilly comes back from the dead? | Reintarnation! | |
| 778 | Why did King Arthur's knights have so many children? | Because they Camelot! | |
| 779 | When does a square become a cube? | When it hits cuberty! | |
| 780 | Who's the best rapper in Star Wars? | Boba Fett-y Wap! | |
| 781 | What does Spider-man most want in his life? | To Marry Jane | |
| 784 | Why couldn't the vacuum ever say bad words? | Because it was clean! | |
| 785 | Which part of the body never wins ? | Defeat! | |
| 787 | How are soybeans and dildos alike? | They are both imitation meats! | |
| 788 | What do you call a sausage's dad? | Paparoni! | |
| 791 | How do you know when a software engineer is an extrovert? | He looks at your shoes instead of his own when he's talking to you | |
| 792 | Why are accountants excited to work on the weekend? | Because they get to wear casual clothes to the office! | |
| 793 | Why did the accountant cross the road? | Because that's what he did last year! | |
| 794 | How many accountants does it take to screw in a light bulb? | How many did it take last year? | |
| 795 | What does an accountant use for birth control? | His personality. | |
| 798 | How are Stephen Hawking and Tony Hawk alike? | They both love ramps! | |
| 801 | Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? | He is fine, he just woke up! | |
| 802 | Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? | He's fine; he's awale now! | |
| 803 | Where do buffalo wings come from? | A buffalo walks into a bar and orders a red bull. | |
| 804 | How do you motivate a tropical bird? | TOUCAN DO IT! | |
| 805 | What does Jeff Bezos do before bed? | He puts his pyjamazon! | |
| 806 | What kind of shoes do frogs wear? | Open-toad sandals! | |
| 807 | What do you call two guys who really like math? | Alge-bros! | |
| 808 | Why did Yoda train Luke Skywalker? | At first, he was Forced to, but eventually he realized it made the Degobah faster! | |
| 809 | Why did Yoda train Luke Skywalker? | At first, he was Forced to, but eventually he realized it made the Degobah faster! | |
| 810 | What crime did the blacksmith commit? | He was accused for forgery but was convicted of steeling! | |
| 814 | Why are there Pop Tarts but no Mom Tarts? | Because of the pastryarchy! | |
| 817 | What's the difference between a black-eyed pea and a chickpea? | The black-eyed peas can sing us a song but the chickpeas can only hummus one! |
Terms of use:
- Enjoy using the site.
- Share it with your friends.
- Add a joke!
- I'm not responsible for content.
- Some jokes are offensive and/or *-ist. Deal with it.
© Niko's Corny Joke Machine.